the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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