I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
