A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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