I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
