I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
