fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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