I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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