Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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