Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
