What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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