the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
