Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Randomize
