I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
