R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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