I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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