the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
