i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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