I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
