sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
