I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Randomize
