just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
