I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
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I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
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Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Drake has all the answers
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me