Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
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First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
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Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"