he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.