It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
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I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
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how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.