The maid of honor just puked.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize