Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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