Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
