This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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