Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
