When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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