My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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