oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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