So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
