She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
