How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
