You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
