You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
