Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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