my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
