They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
