Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
