I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
