My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
