roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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