He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
