she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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