so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
