The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
