k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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