Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
