forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
