If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
someone owes me an orgasm
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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