Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
If I had your ass I would rule the world
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
