I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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