Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
