What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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