I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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