I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
