It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
